Since my return from Ukraine I have noticed that I have regained a sense of hope that I had utterly lost. Not that I was aware that I was missing that particular ‘sense’ of hope. I wouldn’t have called myself hopeless either, for that matter.
Initially, I was actually pretty confused. Before going to Ukraine my dream of once-upon-a-time returning was intact. I expected the confrontation with all the changes that a nearly 5 year absence had wrought, plus the way I had left involuntarily, fully expecting to be back after a short three-month stay in USA.
What I did NOT expect, however, was feeling confused and having the question rise up in me: “Do I still want to go back?” This question alone was pure heresy for my mind. All those years I was geared towards my desire to once going back, not just to Ukraine, but also to the work that has my heart.
No wonder I got confused.
Thinking it over upon returning home, I came to realize that there are still a lot of emotions related to those three years serving in Ukraine. I loved it. But I hated the loneliness. Not the lack of friends, I am blessed with many wonderful Ukrainian friends. Not the lack of comfort, I care very little about comfort. (Hence I am still living without a light in my bathroom and kitchen half a year after moving into my apartment *giggle*.)
But the loneliness that comes from having to make ALL decisions by yourself, having to solve ALL problems by yourself, having no-one to share the burden of pioneering a new work (not ever been done in Ukraine) and inventing ALL the wheels by yourself.
It didn’t start out that way. It just happened that way.
Add onto that the bipolar trait of hypomanically thinking that, ‘yes of course I can deal with everything’ feeling.
Add onto that a family situation exploding into my face and it becomes a recipe where I slowly lost control over my life. This was a type of crisis I had never experienced before. And I do not care to ever experience it again. It nearly cost me my life.
Once I had figured out that this was the background of my struggle, I realised everything was going to be okay. Cuz I will not repeat the past. (I will not tire you with how I am gonna make sure of that. Suffice it to say that I surely will!)
So, back to the hopeful and brighter side. I am still here and kicking, yeah! AND, I do see a future for myself living and working abroad. This trip has given me the assurance that it is totally possible. With a little help from my friends. And then some. But who cares? I know I can make it work with the right people in place and with the prerogative that I will take GOOD care of myself.
Now, that gives me hope, peeps!
Tell me, what gives you hope?