Tag Archives: Mood swings

Scared… Am I losing it?

Some days it feels as if a big block of cement is sitting inside my chest. Even worse,  it feels like it can explode at any moment in thousands of pieces,  leaving a big black ball of rage,  irritation,  anxiety,  fear and doubt.

I am anxiously trying not to bump into anything to set it off – I am scared to death to come face-to-face with that big black ball of fire.  I want to keep it there,  hidden,  well away from my consciousness.

This was how I woke up today – I’ve tried to ignore it,  tried to listen to music, tried to read to get my mind on other things,  tried to go to sleep – but I am way too anxious,  so in the end I decided to blog about it – trying to give words to what I feel.  That way,  I hope to get some measure of control over what is happening.  Feeling out of control is frightening,  as we all know…

As much as I want to keep functioning no matter which mood I am in,  there are some moods that are very,  very hard to deal with.  This is clearly one of them.  I am agitated, anxious, afraid.  I want control over my life,  over my mood,  but I know that control can be a oxymoron:  we sometimes are deluded into thinking we have a measure of control,  when in reality we don’t.

That I don’t have control of my moods is at times a hard enough pill to swallow.   In the last several years I have learned ways to cope with my moods and be in more control of how I respond to the unexpected shifts and mood swings.  Feeling like I don’t have control over how to respond to my mood is down right scary.

Last week has been a tough one – I had several appointments outside of the house.  Some tough things to deal with emotionally.  And most of all:  I have been bone tired…  Of course,  having had the flu the week before hasn’t helped either.

I so much want to be able to pick up life outside of my home – getting into a voluntary job for several hours a week,  growing into more and more hours in a pace that suits my needs.

Right now I am scared that the way I feel is due to the past hectic week.  It depresses me to even think that I might not be ready for being busier,  or ready to tackle a voluntary job…

I need to slow some things down – look back and prioritize the things I am involved in.  Taking a step back might feel like defeat – but in actual fact is pure wisdom to not go crazy.  As my counselor said:  “Think about what you want to do,  instead of what you or others say you should be doing,  and do it.”

Photo credit: Strange Cosmos

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