Tag Archives: Mood swing

Construction, demolition, maintenance…

When I wrote my post about being “under construction”,  I received a very interesting comment by Josh.  Here is part of it:

I totally hear what you’re saying about life being “Under Construction”.

Here is my view:

Everyone’s life is either in a period of construction, maintenance, or demolition… I feel right now I’m in a demolition mode with an eye on maintenance.

This broadened my view and showed me a new way of looking at my episodes and seasons in life.

For example:  those past one and a half week has sure been a ‘demolition’ time!  First time in the hospital,  struggling to get a diagnosis,  becoming very sick due to being oversensitive to a certain anti-biotic.  It was pure survival and a lot of pain and tears.

Right now I have entered a ‘maintenance’ time – for as long as it will last :).  I am up and moving again,  doing my best to pick up where I left off before I got sick.  And loving it!  I feel the need to catch up on all those days of living I missed.  Causing me to go to bed at 3 a.m…  *shame faced*

It’s a tight rope dance,  really.  Two surprise visitors,  which was a blast!,  and I noticed my rapid speech and excitement,  which started both to boil over.

Now,  I know this is partly due to the fact I had little sleep last night ánd I haven’t seen many people after I came home from the hospital.  I talked to some close friends on the phone during my illnesses.  But,  this is a warning sign that I need to pay attention to… so I don’t fall back in ‘demolition’.

Of course,  once I am physically well again and fully recovered from my experiences,  I expect to enter a ‘construction’ time.  A time where I can build – pay attention to relationships,  spend time with my youth group building relationship with them,  continue my studies,  pick up the translation of “Bipolar In Order”,  continue to build my blog and be involved with other bloggers,  even start voluntary work for a couple of hours a week.

Phew!

It can feel like I am spinning plates,  here,  there and everywhere…

Just waiting for one to fall off… thinking:  will I be able to keep the other plates spinning? Or will the other plates follow in slow or quick succession?  It does keep me on my  toes,  that’s for sure!

Maybe when you read the post title you thought it was in an odd order.  Well,  yes.  You wouldn’t want a contractor to build in that order!  But,  for BD’s there IS no order in our moods or episodes.  We go from maintenance to demolition to construction to maintenance to construction to demolition to…   well,  you get the idea :)!

Photo credit: TimShoesUntied


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This too shall pass…

Photo credit ~  Dan4th

Since being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in January 2007 one could say that this has become my motto.  Not so much by choise,  because:

1)      Often when I feel ‘stuck’ in a mood I want to get out real bad and I can’t muster the patience to let it run it’s course.

2)      It is disrupting my life – it’s possible that I can’t do what I planned or have to cancel it all together;  I can’t finish all that I have set out to do or…

3)      The terrible mood-grip I can be in is so darn hard to handle that I actually can’t handle it.

4)      As much as I advocate and live by the conviction to not be a victim of my illness a master of it,  there are times that I positively hate having mood swings! (Shocker, I know.)

5)      It has changed my life and turned it upside down,  literally at times.

But if I apply this motto ‘this too shall pass…’,  I realise again that :

1)      Sometimes I really have to let it run its course,  because fighting it makes it all a lot worse.

2)      It’s okay to feel the way I feel,  even though I really don’t like it.

3)      It’s okay to be me – I am on a learning curve to accept who I am.  The whole me,  not just the Bipolar side,  mind you!

4)      It’s true that it will pass,  cuz that’s the nature of the illness.

5)      I need to learn to be kind to myself as I would to others and stop beating myself up.  (Anyone else struggling to do this???)

So,  the lesson I am learning is:  I better embrace *my* (((motto))) and make it really mine.

Even if it is at a snail’s pace.  Still,  snails eventually get where they are going :).

(And no, you didn’t hear a sigh.  No,  really.  It was barely audible,  you!)

What is the motto you live by?

Inspired by Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop

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10 things about my Bipolar Disorder you didn’t know

1)     I am not sick!  Nor am I any more crazy than you!  (Are you sure? Hmm, actually, yeah.)  My brain might function differently than yours,  but other than that,  I am just… me.

2)     I can be sick, and/or indisposed,  at times,  when for one reason or another it is too hard for me to handle my mood swings or I end up in a particular nasty or difficult mood.

3)     Bipolar Disorder does not define who I am.  There is a whole lot more to me than swinging along on my mood-swing.

4)     There is so much to learn from all my moods,  as I experience a whole range of emotions that ‘normal’ people do not.  Yes, it’s definitely a tough road to deal with it on a consistent basis,  but hey,  is your life so easy-peasy?

5)     I don’t need to be ‘cured’ – I was born this way and I have not known anything different.  I might not recognize myself anymore…  Now, that is a scary thought!

6)     Even though I hate my meds and I’d like to chuck ’em out of the window from time-to-time,  I am med-compliant.   The consequences of doing so keep me from doing it.  No visit to the p-ward for me,  if I can help it,  thank you very much!

7)     Having regular consults with a psychiatrist doesn’t mean I am crazy.  The stigma it carries unfortunately doesn’t stick to me.  I like my guy!

8)     Because I have ‘talk-therapy’,  it has helped me deal with a lot of ugly stuff in my past,  I’m getting to know my real self and I am learning an awful lot in the process.  I just love my counselor!  (And no,  you can’t have his number,  I have sharing-issues 🙂 )

9)     It’s really neat what I can accomplish when I am hypo manic!  Of course,  I need to keep it in check and thankfully I have some peeps helping me with that.  And some meds  (which I truly hate!)  to bring me down when necessary.

10) It’s okay to be me.  Well,  sorta.  Am on my way to self-acceptance.  Which includes ALL of me,  not just my ‘Bipolar-side’.

Disclaimer: Please,  note that this list reflects only me,  my view on & my experience with my Bipolar (Disorder) traits.
Also,  I have had 5 terrible,  difficult,  excruciating years behind me that brought me to this place with the help of some very important peeps.   This is how I see it right now,  which is subject to change 🙂

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