Some days it feels as if a big block of cement is sitting inside my chest. Even worse, it feels like it can explode at any moment in thousands of pieces, leaving a big black ball of rage, irritation, anxiety, fear and doubt.
I am anxiously trying not to bump into anything to set it off – I am scared to death to come face-to-face with that big black ball of fire. I want to keep it there, hidden, well away from my consciousness.
This was how I woke up today – I’ve tried to ignore it, tried to listen to music, tried to read to get my mind on other things, tried to go to sleep – but I am way too anxious, so in the end I decided to blog about it – trying to give words to what I feel. That way, I hope to get some measure of control over what is happening. Feeling out of control is frightening, as we all know…
As much as I want to keep functioning no matter which mood I am in, there are some moods that are very, very hard to deal with. This is clearly one of them. I am agitated, anxious, afraid. I want control over my life, over my mood, but I know that control can be a oxymoron: we sometimes are deluded into thinking we have a measure of control, when in reality we don’t.
That I don’t have control of my moods is at times a hard enough pill to swallow. In the last several years I have learned ways to cope with my moods and be in more control of how I respond to the unexpected shifts and mood swings. Feeling like I don’t have control over how to respond to my mood is down right scary.
Last week has been a tough one – I had several appointments outside of the house. Some tough things to deal with emotionally. And most of all: I have been bone tired… Of course, having had the flu the week before hasn’t helped either.
I so much want to be able to pick up life outside of my home – getting into a voluntary job for several hours a week, growing into more and more hours in a pace that suits my needs.
Right now I am scared that the way I feel is due to the past hectic week. It depresses me to even think that I might not be ready for being busier, or ready to tackle a voluntary job…
I need to slow some things down – look back and prioritize the things I am involved in. Taking a step back might feel like defeat – but in actual fact is pure wisdom to not go crazy. As my counselor said: “Think about what you want to do, instead of what you or others say you should be doing, and do it.”
Photo credit: Strange Cosmos