Been on the internet for many hours, trying to catch up on all I missed during my 15 days of absence. No use, of course, but I had to get my fix!!!
Okay. Since y’all have been able to read the basics of BD (about which is so much more to write, I know), I will now continue with the realities of living with BD. Sharing my struggles. Cuz I want you to be aware that life with BD is different for everybody. It is as unique as the person dealing with it.
There is so much I’d like to discuss, like ways to approach living with BD; what can others do to help; what is not so helpful; what can we do to improve our own lives; and lots more. But most of all, I want others to join in and make comments, start discussions, ask questions. That is why I blog. I don’t want this blog to be an ego trip that is all about me. So, please take part, will you?!?
I haven’t been doing too great the last couple of weeks. Mostly this was due to the lack of social networking since my internet and phone connection went down. It’s a bit horrifying to know how dependable I am on technology for my social life and apparent well-being… So much so that I go down with the technology.
What has happened is that I have become fairly inactive. It is not as if there isn’t anything to do. My study is still waiting for me to continue, there is a book to translate, I could have written posts ahead of time, could have made 3D cards and send to peeps I care about, and so on.
But what I have been doing is sleep 10-12 hours at a time. Read a lot of fiction. Make Japanese logical puzzles. Try to stay on a healthy diet, which is a challenge in itself. Keep up with housekeeping, which I haven’t quite managed.
Leaving the house has been a challenge as well. I have been a ‘titmouse’, as we say in Dutch, staying at home. This is probably also a result of not having had my own home for so very long. Since I now have my own place, I enjoy it so thoroughly, I don’t like to go anywhere for very long. I guess it is a normal response and I am not worried about it. It is just harder to overcome at times and make myself go somewhere.
Especially since it is so cold outside, with snow for four days in a row, an amazing feat in Holland! Mind you, I’ve got to do everything by bike and the cold is bothering me much more than in the past (a sure sign I am getting older….? ouch!). Got to get myself a hat and gloves, but I have to go outside for that, yikes!
Also, I suffer from Seasonal Depression, meaning I can’t handle the fact that day-time is so short and darkness so long very well. In addition, we get so many grey skies and days in the Netherlands, lots of rain and now even snow. In Ukraine, with snow and frost comes often sunshine. Here the sun disappears, making me want to crawl in bed and hibernate. It’s hard to not give in to do just that. It helps that my internet connection is up again. But to get out of the rut of sleeping long hours and not doing too much… I can’t begin to tell you how hard it is.
I became so angry when the internet and phone connection went down (which resulted in not being able to have my regular session with my counselor, aggravating the whole situation) – which wasn’t doing me any good. Anger is my main survival emotion and once triggered, if it reaches a certain level and has nowhere to go, it turns inside and makes me depressed. It can take me weeks to get out of it. I still need to learn to deal with the anger before it reaches the danger level and virtually paralyses me.
It’s unfortunate that we, BD’s, are more susceptible to Seasonal Affective Disorder / Seasonal Depression. I know there are certain lamps on the market that can help battle the lack of sunlight from which we suffer. Don’t mind trying this, but gotta be careful it doesn’t swing me to the other side… although at the moment I’d prefer being hypomanic to being sluggish and passive!
To close, I end with a positive note:
Three weeks back saw the beginning of my involvement with our youth group which has given me a lot of joy. I feel so happy spending time with them and getting to know them. I simply love it! I am grateful that it is possible for me to do so and follow my heart’s desire in discipling and building trust relationships with that age group. (Glad my church ain’t that far from my apartment! 🙂 Like 5 minutes by bike.)
Do you recognize what I am talking about? What do you do to overcome the blues? Anyone with BD have experience with those special lights / lamps? Tell me about it!