Tag Archives: Bad mood

Scared… Am I losing it?

Some days it feels as if a big block of cement is sitting inside my chest. Even worse,  it feels like it can explode at any moment in thousands of pieces,  leaving a big black ball of rage,  irritation,  anxiety,  fear and doubt.

I am anxiously trying not to bump into anything to set it off – I am scared to death to come face-to-face with that big black ball of fire.  I want to keep it there,  hidden,  well away from my consciousness.

This was how I woke up today – I’ve tried to ignore it,  tried to listen to music, tried to read to get my mind on other things,  tried to go to sleep – but I am way too anxious,  so in the end I decided to blog about it – trying to give words to what I feel.  That way,  I hope to get some measure of control over what is happening.  Feeling out of control is frightening,  as we all know…

As much as I want to keep functioning no matter which mood I am in,  there are some moods that are very,  very hard to deal with.  This is clearly one of them.  I am agitated, anxious, afraid.  I want control over my life,  over my mood,  but I know that control can be a oxymoron:  we sometimes are deluded into thinking we have a measure of control,  when in reality we don’t.

That I don’t have control of my moods is at times a hard enough pill to swallow.   In the last several years I have learned ways to cope with my moods and be in more control of how I respond to the unexpected shifts and mood swings.  Feeling like I don’t have control over how to respond to my mood is down right scary.

Last week has been a tough one – I had several appointments outside of the house.  Some tough things to deal with emotionally.  And most of all:  I have been bone tired…  Of course,  having had the flu the week before hasn’t helped either.

I so much want to be able to pick up life outside of my home – getting into a voluntary job for several hours a week,  growing into more and more hours in a pace that suits my needs.

Right now I am scared that the way I feel is due to the past hectic week.  It depresses me to even think that I might not be ready for being busier,  or ready to tackle a voluntary job…

I need to slow some things down – look back and prioritize the things I am involved in.  Taking a step back might feel like defeat – but in actual fact is pure wisdom to not go crazy.  As my counselor said:  “Think about what you want to do,  instead of what you or others say you should be doing,  and do it.”

Photo credit: Strange Cosmos

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A taste of my Bipolar Disorder challenges

Just in case the previous post has given you the idea that my life with Bipolar Disorder is a breeze,  here are some points to take into consideration:

  1. The meds I am taking caused me to gain weight.  A lot of weight.  Trust me,  you don’t wanna know how much.  And it’s not easy to get rid of.
  2. Never thought I would be actually meeting a dietician.  Me on a diet?  Bwahahaha!  Well,  I won’t be.  Which brings me to the second point.

  3. The meds I am taking suck even more, because now I am struggling with the onset of Diabetes.  Cuz,  you know,  I gained a lot of weight.
  4. But even worse,  certain meds that I need from time to time actually seriously increase the chance of getting Diabetes.  Hence the dietician in my very near future.

    I already have made certain food changes, but I need to make some more to combat further development.  No diet – that is temporarily.  Those changes?  They are for real and most likely for life.

    Truthfully – most changes don’t bother me.  Okay – giving up drinking dry,  red wine because the alcohol in combination with my meds make me depressed,  wasn’t fun.  But giving up chips (crisps,  for the British among you) and liquorice?!?!  Real.Bad.News.

  5. I am a night owl and have lived an irregular life since…. well,  forever,  I guess.  BUT.  Right now?  I would serve myself best if I would keep a pretty regular schedule.
  6. You know,  things like going to bed and getting up at the same time every day, taking my meds at the same time every day,  eating all my meals like breakfast, lunch and dinner at the same time every day and have regular healthy snacks in between to keep everything on an even keel.

    No big deal, right?  But,  for me, it is.  Cuz changing life-long habits is hard people,  really hard.  Also,  at heart I am a rebel.  I just wanna do things my way,  whenever I want to.  *sigh*  No,  change that to *very BIG sigh*.

  7. Having to cancel whatever plans I have,  because I ended up in one of my funky,  unruly,  unmanageable moods,  be it the up or down swing.  Can be pretty challenging for friendships.
  8. If you have a friend or family member with Bipolar Disorder,  please understand that we do this not on purpose. Truth is,  I hate to cancel plans at the last moment as much as the other party.

    But trust me,  very few friends can handle being around me when I am severely depressed or getting over-the-edge hypo manic.  Even in my hypo manic or ‘just’ depressed state I am pretty intense for them.  It is not fair to expect them to handle more than they are comfortable with.  Difficult and painful for both parties.

  9. Not being understood.  A few examples.  People not understanding why I was not diagnosed earlier.  People thinking that you can or should just ‘snap out of it’.  Or that you should use your will power.
  10. Believe me – if I had a choice in the timing of my diagnosis,  or if I could just ‘snap out’ of depression / hypo mania,  or if I could change it all by will power – I WOULD.

    The problem?  It doesn’t work that way.  The biggest problem?  The people who think they know how to deal with what I have,  but really don’t.

    Because after several years and hard work,  I am now well on my way of accepting my particular life-mood-swing,  it has become easier to deal with the fall out of point 5.  Unfortunately,  it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.  You know what I mean?

Even though there is a whole lot more to say about it,  this is enough food for thought for now,  me thinks. 😉

Any questions?  Please,  leave a comment.  I am very happy to try to answer them.

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What do I do when a real bad mood strikes…?

Woke up in a terrible mood this morning – so very irritated that really  nothing is right in my world at the moment.  You know,  when everything,  every little thing irritates you beyond measure… and irritation leads to anger and nastiness.  It makes me itchy in my own skin.

Not a good mood to be around people.  So I skipped church this morning. 

And you know – it’s so hard for me to know what is the best thing to do.  How do I take care of myself in this situation?

How far do I let this mood intrude in my life?  I know it is my brain chemicals,  there is nothing else that can account for this mood.  So now what?

I remind myself that it is okay to feel the way I feel.  There is no shame in it – even if it keeps me from doing what I have planned to do.  Some moods I can’t overcome (yet?) – and this is one of them.

So I listen to my favorite worship songs because that takes the attention away from myself and my terribly uncomfortable mood.  In Ukraine,  good friends of mine are songwriters and I have brought a whole lot of new CD’s with me.  Accidentally,  I love to sing in Russian 🙂

It helps me ro realise that God is so much bigger than my mood.  He can handle it – even if I can’t or I struggle with it.  He envelopes me with His presence and reminds me that it’s okay to be me. 

Unfortunately,  it doesn’t take my mood away.  But it quiets my heart and makes the world a little better place to be in. 

And I know: this too shall pass!

After all,  that is something we as bipolars can be sure of!!!!!!!

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