Photo credit: jurvetson
A few weeks ago I had a totally new experience.
Friends asked me, last-minute, if I liked to take care of their house while they were away. Since you already know I love the beach and it is about ten minutes biking distance from their home, how could I say no?
So, I took my bunnies under one arm and my suitcase under the other to enjoy their house and the beach.
It took a while for the bunnies to settle. But strange enough, it took me a while too!
Not that anything was amiss with the house, the rain was another story though. Not much beach time…
Some things didn’t really work out well, which made me real angry. That is, until I received insight in this matter during a session with my counselor (did I tell you he is good? Now I did!).
Now, since 1994 I have lived in a gazillion different places spread over four countries. Honestly, it is impossible to count since I became really nomadic towards the end. It must be close to 50. I know, just thinking about it makes me feel crazy!
I have lived in my apartment exactly a year and two days. The sixth place to live in since I arrived back in the Netherlands on July 1st, 2009. At least. So it’s no surprise that it has taken me a while to get settled.
Apparently, I have some sort of routine at home – something that makes me feel safe to some extent. Or at least settled. It’s not much of a routine, you might not even recognize it, but it is there!
In actual fact, the couple of weeks before I left, I was really doing well and starting to enjoy myself. Another new experience. To suddenly drop to the bottom was nasty.
Of course I know that change for bipolars is hard. But this time I didn’t just know it, I totally experienced it. Since my emotions are coming to life, life has become totally different. In the good sense, enjoyment, and the less good, anger, trapped, abandoned. Note: I don’t say bad. Cuz even what you could consider ‘bad’ emotions are good, because they serve a purpose. But that’s stuff for another post ;).
How did I survive all those changes for all those years? By being in utter and complete survival mode. I didn’t know anything else anyway.
Now I know. Feel. Experience. Emote.
When sitting on your legs too long, they fall asleep. When you try to stand, your legs are pretty useless, they can’t hold you up. When they are released from ‘entrapment’ and come to life once again, it stings ferociously. Quite painful really. But it is a good sensation, because it enables you to use your legs again and walk.
Well, I am still in the ‘quite painful’ state and I am only learning to walk. I might not have much sense yet of what ‘home’ and ‘safe’ really means, but I have an inkling and I long for more.
And I know:
One day I will run!
One day I will fly!
One day I will be totally at home and take it with me where ever I go…
Ps Sorry, no picture of my home since I am in the middle of replanting houseplants and painting part of the corridor and kitchen. It’s a real mess now everywhere, but it will be great!