So, where do I go from here?

Photo credit:  zieak

Sorry,  it’s been a while since I have written.

Why you ask?

Because I couldn’t write about what was happening to me and with me.  I still can’t.  Even though the situation has… well,  what to say?  It has not resolved itself as such.  It was taken over (overtaken?) by other developments.

Because other people are involved.  Not because I am afraid they are reading my blog.  They might not even know it exists.  But because I cherish my integrity.  And I can’t spill the beans about somebody else’s behavior.  You know what I mean?

Because it took up all of my energy and then some.  Which is not to say that that in itself is bad.  In actual fact,  my counselor was proud (proud, you hear?! I was shocked!) how I was handling all that was thrown at me happening.  After all,  I am still standing!  A year ago… well,  I can’t even imagine how I would have responded.  Steep learning curve?  Heck,  yeah!  But it was worth it!

Because stress is still a trigger for my body to get sick.  So I have been having a stuffy nose,  a horrible cough and lazy days with crazily enough sleepless nights even with sleep meds.  Anyone of you ever had the same?

Because after all this I thought: “So,  where do I go from here?”

Because  even if I could have blogged about it,  I am not even sure if I could have put words to it.  “It” being what I was feeling,  my emotions.  Half of the time I don’t even know where my emotions are or how I feel.  Recognize it?

Like sitting behind your computer,  hands on the keyboard,  soul filled to the brim,  body screaming and…  nothing.  You know this too,  right?

I know how to research stuff and I have an endless list of topics to write about (sort of).  But I have this crazy desire to break my soul open and spill out what is inside.  It’s been locked up for too long.

Anyone a crowbar handy?



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4 responses to “So, where do I go from here?

  1. Oh Fen, I am right there with ya! I know exactly what you mean. The need to pour it all out, but no words, the angst, the anger, the frustration, the sleeplessness, the fatigue, and impending bodily break down, the constant feeling that there is MORE I should do, or should have done, but no idea what or how… should I do on? I don’t know what is happening to you or with you, but I feel your struggle.

    (((((hugs))))) I wish I could be more helpful.

  2. Mel~ just being there and understanding is already helpful. I hate I can’t go into it, but I am working on the emotional stuff. I know you know, all too well. Here is to making us stronger! And for you: your kids see you fight for them and be fighters also, that is already visible, don’t you think? It reminds me of sth, I’ll send a link to you!

  3. Ack. So frustrating needing the outlet but not being able to use it. Many times I have felt that frustration. Added to that I have the insecurity of worrying about other people’s reactions even if I was able to get everything out. Silly I know. I hope the situation resolves itself for you soon and in a positive way!

    I also get sick when I get stressed. Like we really need the extra yuck to deal with at the same time right?

  4. Thanks for your understanding Rachael! We have a saying here in Netherlands that sharing joy doubles it adn sharing sorrow halfs it. So compassion is a real gift to receive!
    I used to write in a journal as a kid and teenager, simply to survive. But with the coming of the computer, internet and blogs, it somehow doesn’t work the same for me anymore, you know?
    Yeah – a cold is not my favourite pastime either, but you know what? My counselor is proud of me! And that gives me a funny feeling. Positive. But funny (like in unusual)

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