I have been busy surviving these past week or so. A depression is lurking as a reaction to scrambled emotions caused by a difficult situation I am dealing with.
My bipolar brain struggles with the negative influence it has. It is so much harder for us to overcome the negativity and the emotions linked with difficult situations since our brain simply functions differently. Negative emotions linger on and on.
I hosted an Easter brunch after church and had invited a load of friends. We had a good time chatting and playing games together. It was fun, but I wasn’t able to fully enjoy it. This was my first clue.
Monday I took ‘off’, since I know I am exhausted after such escapades. But I kept sleeping on Tuesday as well. That was my second clue.
I already had lost the enjoyment in most things I do. The jigsaw is laying on the table, looking the same as nearly a week ago. On the computer I keep playing one of my favorite games, thinking ‘one more game and then I will do …’ and I keep playing until it’s time for bed. I don’t want to leave my apartment, even though the weather has been real nice lately.
It’s vacation time for the primary schools so I don’t need to work. Which is a pity, cuz it forces me out of the house. I finished my library books and couldn’t muster the strength to go and exchange my books, even though having something to read is a must for my compulsive reading. I simply bought a book at the super market, glad to find an author I like for a reasonable price.
But I did write a letter dealing with the difficult situation I referred to above.
I keep working on accepting myself, even though … a host of things, mentionable and unmentionable, standing in the way. I remind myself that it is still okay to be me.
I hate to be in this situation. I am angry and hurt. I don’t deal well with those feelings. But that is okay too. I am learning to use the tools of my trade.
The sunny side is that I am dealing with this situation to the best of my ability. I am aware of what is going on with me. I am able to let some of those feelings go (even though only with my counselor, but still!).
A year ago that wasn’t even a remote possibility.
So, I guess one can call that growth?