Scared… Am I losing it?

Some days it feels as if a big block of cement is sitting inside my chest. Even worse,  it feels like it can explode at any moment in thousands of pieces,  leaving a big black ball of rage,  irritation,  anxiety,  fear and doubt.

I am anxiously trying not to bump into anything to set it off – I am scared to death to come face-to-face with that big black ball of fire.  I want to keep it there,  hidden,  well away from my consciousness.

This was how I woke up today – I’ve tried to ignore it,  tried to listen to music, tried to read to get my mind on other things,  tried to go to sleep – but I am way too anxious,  so in the end I decided to blog about it – trying to give words to what I feel.  That way,  I hope to get some measure of control over what is happening.  Feeling out of control is frightening,  as we all know…

As much as I want to keep functioning no matter which mood I am in,  there are some moods that are very,  very hard to deal with.  This is clearly one of them.  I am agitated, anxious, afraid.  I want control over my life,  over my mood,  but I know that control can be a oxymoron:  we sometimes are deluded into thinking we have a measure of control,  when in reality we don’t.

That I don’t have control of my moods is at times a hard enough pill to swallow.   In the last several years I have learned ways to cope with my moods and be in more control of how I respond to the unexpected shifts and mood swings.  Feeling like I don’t have control over how to respond to my mood is down right scary.

Last week has been a tough one – I had several appointments outside of the house.  Some tough things to deal with emotionally.  And most of all:  I have been bone tired…  Of course,  having had the flu the week before hasn’t helped either.

I so much want to be able to pick up life outside of my home – getting into a voluntary job for several hours a week,  growing into more and more hours in a pace that suits my needs.

Right now I am scared that the way I feel is due to the past hectic week.  It depresses me to even think that I might not be ready for being busier,  or ready to tackle a voluntary job…

I need to slow some things down – look back and prioritize the things I am involved in.  Taking a step back might feel like defeat – but in actual fact is pure wisdom to not go crazy.  As my counselor said:  “Think about what you want to do,  instead of what you or others say you should be doing,  and do it.”

Photo credit: Strange Cosmos

6 Comments

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6 responses to “Scared… Am I losing it?

  1. Hi Fenny,

    You’re a very comforting writer. I relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I wanted to see if you had ever heard of clubhouse or the clubhouse model. Check this site out: http://www.fountainhouse.org/

    The International Center for Clubhouse Development’s site seems to be under construction. Maybe a clubhouse exists near you. Their site is iccd.org

    Hope this comment finds you well,

    Josh Jensen

    • Thanks Josh for being back!
      I looked at the link – wonderful that they excisit! Unfortunately the iccd website has a problem. I will be trying again.
      Thanks for the recommendations😉

  2. Adrienne@a balanced day

    ((Hugs)) I know how restricting life can be because of an illness. I don’t have bipolar but I do have depression so I kinda know how you feel. It’s hard because as I go through my bouts I know why and that I am. And that makes me fall deeper into depression. I get mad at the times I let it control me and then I turn to food. Hence the need for my weight loss blog. lol.

    Sometimes writing does help. I’ve found that trying to tell people leaves me more fraustrated than before because they don’t get it even if they want to.

    • Adrienne, thanks for the hugs, I take them all!
      Oh, do I hear ya! How frustrating that we at times cannot control our moods. Even worse when people around us don’t understand. I know it isn’t easy to understand, but I am so grateful for the few precious people that do. But when in such a crappy mood, I can’t even talk about it. I am simply surviving. Blogging does help, especially when people who know first hand respond!

  3. allison

    thank-you for this blog. i have bi-polar as well and reading this helped me. thanks !!

    • Allison, so glad it helped you! Stay in touch – we can support one another – that is why I started this blog.
      Take care of yourself & thanks for visiting🙂

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