Photo credit: Tétine
Right, I am so pissed off, angry, real, hot, lava red angry.
And it’s got nothing to do with today, yesterday or the day before.
Whatever happened (some stupid things that I did) are not the real reason why I am feeling so pissed off. They serve merely as the triggers.
It’s going down, deep inside, to the core of my being. Anger has fueled my survival mechanisms for very, very long.
It’s the survival mechanism of my family of origin as well. It’s learned. It’s my dad getting of the handle and doing hurtful things. It’s my brother responding to me (cuz often I teased him with words – my dagger of choice) with his fists. It’s my dad and brother fighting. It’s ugly.
It’s also a response to the traumas I suffered – when you can’t get away cuz the perpetrators are those who are supposed to take care of you. In my case it turned inward, harming myself – thankfully not in a visible way. But anger-turned-inwards hurts you, in any case – badly!
It’s the power with which I have lived and achieved quite a lot. It made me a driven, all-or-nothing kinda gall. Someone going over dead bodies to reach her goal, immediately setting a new one as there is no satisfaction, ever.
But now, after five years of talk therapy and 4,5 years with meds (getting less and less, thank God!) and my emotions coming to life – I really don’t want to respond in the old way. It’s become impossible really.
Now I know it is okay to be angry, even necessary, even right, even at God. I know He can handle it, He is big enough and doesn’t get upset or offended. I know all that. But having lived years-and-years in a church environment where it was not really allowed (you know those unwritten rules? That sometimes actually become very clear? Well, those!) to be angry, certainly not at God – for whatever reason – make it still so darn difficult.
I had lay-counseling in my early years as a believer where the first question was: ”have you forgiven so-and-so?”, even before my story was listened to… I struggle to express my anger even more. Cuz once you forgive, how can you still be angry, right?
So, yes, I am angry and that is okay… now what?!
I don’t know what to do with it. It just sits there, inside of me, raging. I will contain it. Clenched jaws, clenched fists.
But it drives me mad, people, it really drives me nuts.
So, if anyone out there has some healthy coping mechanism, I’m all in for it.
For me, kicking a pillow doesn’t work, running neither (cuz of bad knee and ankle, sigh), throwing things ain’t working (been there, done that; ended up with destroyed personal stuff that made me all sad and angry at myself again), it’s raining outside (for a whole week! It drives me bonkers!!! since I am for two weeks close to the beach and one week has passed now, argh!!!).
I need some real life solutions to let some steam off, without the danger of me flying off the handle, that would be rather counter-productive and possible – no likely – ugly.
I know, it’s a tall order.
Tell me, what works for you? I really wanna know, you see: Fire away, please!
I am eagerly waiting…