So pissed off!

Photo credit:  Tétine

Right,  I am so pissed off,  angry,  real,  hot,  lava red angry.

And it’s got nothing to do with today,  yesterday or the day before.

Whatever happened (some stupid things that I did) are not the real reason why I am feeling so pissed off.  They serve merely as the triggers.

It’s going down,  deep inside,  to the core of my being.  Anger has fueled my survival mechanisms for very,  very long.

It’s the survival mechanism of my family of origin as well.  It’s learned.  It’s my dad getting of the handle and doing hurtful things.  It’s my brother responding to me (cuz often I teased him with words – my dagger of choice) with his fists.  It’s my dad and brother fighting.  It’s ugly.

It’s also a response to the traumas I suffered – when you can’t get away cuz the perpetrators are those who are supposed to take care of you.  In my case it turned inward,  harming myself – thankfully not in a visible way.  But anger-turned-inwards hurts you,  in any case – badly!

It’s the power with which I have lived and achieved quite a lot.  It made me a driven,  all-or-nothing kinda gall.  Someone going over dead bodies to reach her goal,  immediately setting a new one as there is no satisfaction,  ever.

But now,  after five years of talk therapy and 4,5 years with meds (getting less and less,  thank God!) and my emotions coming to life – I really don’t want to respond in the old way.  It’s become impossible really.

Now I know it is okay to be angry,  even necessary,  even right,  even at God.  I know He can handle it,  He is big enough and doesn’t get upset or offended.  I know all that.  But having lived years-and-years in a church environment where it was not really allowed (you know those unwritten rules? That sometimes actually become very clear? Well,  those!) to be angry,  certainly not at God –  for whatever reason –  make it still so darn difficult.

I had lay-counseling in my early years as a believer where the first question was:  “have you forgiven so-and-so?”,  even before my story was listened to… I struggle to express my anger even more.  Cuz once you forgive,  how can you still be angry,  right?

So,  yes,  I am angry and that is okay… now what?!

I don’t know what to do with it.  It just sits there,  inside of me,  raging.  I will contain it.  Clenched jaws,  clenched fists.

But it drives me mad,  people,  it really drives me nuts.

So,  if anyone out there has some healthy coping mechanism,  I’m all in for it.

For me,  kicking a pillow doesn’t work,  running neither (cuz of bad knee and ankle,  sigh),  throwing things ain’t working (been there, done that;  ended up with destroyed personal stuff that made me all sad and angry at myself again),  it’s raining outside (for a whole week! It drives me bonkers!!! since I am for two weeks close to the beach and one week has passed now,  argh!!!).

I need some real life solutions to let some steam off,  without the danger of me flying off the handle,  that would be rather counter-productive and possible – no likely – ugly.

I know,  it’s a tall order.

Tell me,  what works for you?  I really wanna know, you see:  Fire away,  please!

I am eagerly waiting…

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “So pissed off!

  1. As I’m sure you already know, writing it out can be extremely helpful! I make myself busy, clean clean clean and more cleaning (funny though, w/3 kids here you can’t tell; yeah, that’s Not funny.) organizing, planning, and escaping in any way possible (not always so good though). I can’t wait to read what others say.

  2. Madeline

    When I’m really angry I clean. And clean. And clean.

    And I write. A lot. That helps some.

    But really , for me, my anger won’t leave until I process it completely. Which can often take awhile.

    • I know you are right, Madeline, to process it takes a while, but is the only way to get really rid of it
      In the mean time having a cleaning fit at least gives you a clean house to enjoy!
      I used to write a lot more – but got stuck years ago. Maybe I should try get back to it.
      Thanks for your input!

  3. If anything my previous counsellors have wondered why I DON’T feel angry. Its just one emotion I’ve never really felt. Frustration is the closest I get to it I think. They say its because I implode instead of explode. I turn in on myself so rarely if ever get pissed at people. Even when they’ve hurt me so much the pain is too much to bare, I assume they must have their reasons, or they couldn’t help it or I provoked them. And yet ALL my close relatives suffer with rage. My brothers nick-name was ‘Dangerous’ and my father scared the pants of some pretty big guys in his younger days. He had beautiful pale blue eyes to me – every one else thought they were the eyes of the devil himself. My two younger sisters had gotten arrested for fighting before they even left school! But me… I’m ‘soft-as-shit’ as my brother used to say. His anger eventually killed him though – he hung himself. I took my youngest sister to Anger /management therapists for under 18’s years ago now – it taught her how to recognize and avoid triggers, to prevent anger as much as possible, but also how to use and channel anger more positively. Now she doesn’t want to beat everyone up, but she has OCD and drives everyone mad with her need for perfection in EVERYTHING!

    If you find the answer do share it – I have none I’m afraid! Great thought-provoking post!! Shah .X

    • Shah, by the sound of it has your anger gone underground just as mine – hence impotion instead of explotion, that I am very familiar with! It actually unconsciously threw me in deep depressions when my anger unnoticed turned inwards. THis is the first time that I really sort of experience anger, so that is why I don’t really know how to safely express it.
      It’s easier to not feel it, but I do rejoice that even these pesky emotions are not hiding anymore….
      Had a good talk with my counselor today which gave a lot of insight in what, why and how. Now I am doing much better, thank God!
      Thanks for sharing your story, I so appreciate you!

  4. Fenny,

    Unfortunately, I let it out. Sometimes on my kids. I’ll yell at them for what I usually let slide. And then later I apologize. My anger is not directed at them and I explain that. Over the years of getting angry, letting it out and then apologizing, I am learning to cope better. To wait. Talk myself out of yelling. Sometimes i do need to leave, take a walk. I don’t want to scare them anymore or make them not trust me.

    But mostly, I have let go. I DO NOT let anyone get the better of me. I do not allow THEM to dictate how I feel. I let is roll of my shoulders.

    I use to be a lot more angry. Now I have taught myself how to cope with the people who have made me angry for years. This works for me. I don’t know if this is a coping mechanism that will burst some day or just simply a way of forgiving??? I’ll see.

    Keeping super busy works also. My blogging and my online friends.

    And I always try to have something to look forward to. Whether it be a big vacation or chocolate ice cream on Friday night (tonight, yay!). Knowing something good is coming cheers me up and then that becomes my goal, not the anger.

    • Allie, I love your comment!!!
      It is actually very common to let our anger out on those that are closest to us. But I respect you for apologizing to your kids and explaining it, wow! Good stuff!
      You know, I can still remember the primary school teacher who got angry with a class mate behind the door, but who apologized later to him in front of class. It really is something special that your kids will take away from you, despite your anger issue.
      But it seems to me you have learnt to dealwith it really effectively. Kudo’s to you!
      Hmm, trying to have something to look forward to, I’ll have to think about that some more.
      Thanks for sharing :)

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